The Flight Attendant's ABCs - C (charlie) is for...

• Coffee - It’s amazing how many problems can be solved at 35,000 ft by coffee.  Cranky pax?  No problem.  Coffee!  Cranky pilots?  No problem.  Coffee!  Blocked lav?  Hey, I know, we could dump pots of coffee down there until things start to shift again (isn’t being a flight attendant glamorous?).  Lav completely frozen because it’s January in Ottawa and the temperature outside is -40C?  Dude, don’t call the mechanic…just pour coffee in until it melts.  Need to get rid of that bag of ice before you land?  Put it in the sink and just add hot coffee!  Lav stinks like woah because you’re flying people home from their all-inclusive Caribbean vacation?  Get a packet of coffee grounds and sprinkle it in.  Instant air freshener!  The list goes on.  And on.  And on.
  
  
• Customs Cards - Even FAs have to fill these babies out when they land and actually get off the aircraft for longer than a smoke break.  An FA will fill them out so often s/he could do it blindfolded.  And yet s/he will still manage to ruin at least two while frantically filling it out on final approach.  Every single time.
  
  
• Carry-Ons - Ok people, it’s right there in the name.  “Carry” on.  Not “roll” on.  If it’s too heavy for you to be able to carry; if you have to roll that sucker down the aisle and get in everyone’s way; and if you can’t lift it into the overhead bin by yourself without an FA’s assistance, then no, it’s not really a “carry” on.  Do you really need to take entertainment for the entire week’s vacation all in one bag?  How can a handbag with a purse, one book, an iPod and a few toiletries and perhaps a change of underwear not suffice?  It’s a four hour flight, we’re not going to bloody Australasia in one day.
  
  
• Cell-Phones - It’s one of the most obvious things.  Please don’t use your cell phone in flight.  You’re not going to get any reception once we get in the air anyway, so what’s the point in having it roaming for four hours?  Why people never comply is just beyond me.  My favourite is ‘but it’s not a cell-phone, it’s a Blackberry’.  Can you call someone on it?  Yes?  Then turn it off.  Don’t make me ask twice, or I will cease to be so polite about it.

Next time… D (delta) is for…